In Christian circles, we are taught that we have a great deal
of control. I attended a wedding ceremony
recently where the pastor spent 10 mintues on the vows and 20 mintues on why
the couple should never consider divorce. Seriously. Like his rant would make a
difference. From where I am it only intensifies the fallout that is coming. And
believe me, the fallout is inevitable because the honeymoon illusion lifts like
a fine mist and our true self is exposed.
Some of us survive it and others do not.
First, quit asking what you could have done differently to
love more fully. We cannot fully know or possess our spouse in hopes of preventing
the divide. That type of overreach may result in the marriage’s demise. The roots within us go deeper than our
interactions. Consider our development as a child, our family of origin, our
day-in-and-day-out choices, our ability to give and receive love, and our
continued development. We are bigger and
deeper than can be seen before men. The truth is none of us have any idea what lies ahead. The marriage leap is just
that, a leap of faith. And except by the
grace of God, there go all of us.
Secondly, stop beating yourself up. Guilt and shame are not
the path God has for you. The best step you
can take is to take account and release the wrongs and weirdness you contributed
to the relationship. God loves you as
you are in your mess, and He has a path forward to meet your needs. Trust that
as you have courage to step back and ask for truth, He will grow that in you.
Thirdly, take the high road if you can. The nastiness of he said, she said gets us lost
in the weeds of a fight that is not productive and will steel your joy. It gives the other party power over you and
it is not worth it. Pray for the freedom
to forget what lies behind, apart from the good memories, and press on to what
lies ahead. (Phil 3:13)
My prayer for you today, no matter what you are facing, is
to give yourself the permission to cry your tears and pour out to God your hurt
and anger. This may not be what you
signed up for, but God longs to bring you to a healthy, bitter-free place. Like all woundings and losses, we must experience
our feelings. Be confident God is not
going to leave you there for He has promised, “weeping endures for a night, but
joy comes in the morning.” Ps. 30:5
For other writings by
Denise Broadwater, find her blog Life Lights at www.denisebroadwater.com. She is
a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Charleston, SC. Her treatment experience encompasses anxiety,
depression, life transitions, and family therapy.
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