I sat looking at the woman’s bright red lipstick
as her words poured like a spigot all over the wool carpet in my
office. Her barrage was about the shortcomings of her newly
refurbished home in Riverland Terrance. Hers was one of Riverland’s
larger homes bordering a manicured golf course that followed the Stono
River. I knew the area and was sure it was one of the upscale
allotments from the late 70’s she purchased and customized with all the best
finishes. One by one newcomers, like herself, plucked these well-built
homes to bring them into the 21st century. She had no idea I had
firsthand knowledge of renovating in this city, but my formal knowledge on
that subject was not what this meeting was about. Her riveting
anxiety about the golf course that spanned the space between her and the river
was the reason she was here.
“Denise, I tell you, I just didn’t think it
through. I loved the house and the river. I must say I
wanted to live there the moment I drove down the street. So, I
leaped into home ownership, closing a month later. After picking my
colors and changing out my kitchen, my builder gave me what I
wanted. I’ve no complaints about his work or my house and I love my
spaces. One day relaxing on my back porch, a ball fell to my flower
bed, and then another. I sat in anticipation wondering just how many
would land in one afternoon. Three balls total, one right after
another into the flower bed with a thud. The more I thought about
it, the more upset I became. I had not idea that golfers were so
inaccurate and all in one afternoon. All I kept thinking was they
could have hit my Tinkerbell!”
“Tinkerbell?”
“My precious Maltese, she’s my baby, and I
couldn’t bear to think she’d be hit by one of these hard balls. If
it landed on her head, I shudder to think what might happen. This is her house, too. She should
have the right to play in her backyard during the day.”
She grasped her hanky in her hand a little
tighter putting it to her lips with her eyes closed.
“You have no legal recourse to keep the golfers
out of that area?” I continued to question.
“I combed the covenants. My counsel’s
read them. I am afraid not. It’s the risk of living along the course. I blame myself, I just didn’t think it
through. I regret it. I regret it is so
much.” She was nearly in tears.
“Is this the only thing about your new place you
are worried about?" pressing a bit further.
“Yes. While I have met my immediate
neighbors, the area is safe and beautifully kept. I worry everyday
those balls might fall from the sky at any time of the day.”
“What is your fear underneath all of that worry
over Tinkerbell's harm? And your continual thought about the threat of the golf
balls?”
She checked her nails and looked out the window
rather pensive. The room was stiffly quiet. I let the quiet
work. Something was just below the surface.
Suddenly, her lips parted and she drew in her
breath.
“Well, I can’t believe you’d asked me that.
I feel alone.” Half crying, half talking, “My husband’s been dead
two years and my children have their own families. Oh, they include
me here and there, and that is all fine and dandy. But I thought
buying this house, sitting out on the porch looking at the river, at the golfers
playing their game, life would change for me.
Tinkerbell and I would be able to relax and I’d worry less.”
“So, it’s about being alone then? And how the worry
plaques you?”
“I suppose it is, Miss Denise. I
suppose it is.” Her tears subsiding and
her composure returning, “Tinkerbell is all the company I have most
days. Bless her, she can’t talk to me, but at least I know she’s
there. She feels my emotions and comforts me. I am afraid I might lose her like I did
Bill.”
“When we have the tendency to worry, we will find
something to fill that worry-gap inside of us. Today, you are sure one of
those balls is coming into your yard to take Tinkerbell. Yet, the
probability of it is very slim. Have there been any news reports of
others being hit or hurt?"
"None that I am aware," she quickly
admitted.
"Let’s try to make peace with the golfers
and those pesky balls. Perhaps that was a bad day and a bad golfer, we have to
be careful about generalizing it to the point of killing your dog. When those thoughts enter, reframe and move
to the logic. Worry can blow things out
of proportion and our story grows.”
“I guess you are right about
that. Privacy and the river right there in view was all I saw the
day I fell in love with the house. I didn't see golf balls in the flower
beds the times I visited, nor did any fall after that day.”
“So, lets focus on finding time for Tinkerbell
and you in the backyard early mornings and at dusk after the golfers have
turned in for the night until you feel more comfortable. Ease into
it. Keep her with you on the porch to play or take her out for walk
away from the course during peak playing times. I love your heart
for Tinkerbell, I get that she is your companion. But I am far more
concerned the worry of losing her has overtaken you, keeping you from enjoying
your life. Perhaps tied to the loss of your husband?
“Yes. I am
seeing that though I thought I was through most of it until now.”
“I hope you’ll take time on your porch to breathe
in the salt air and focus on your gorgeous view. Be present. Relax with some southern sweet tea on these
warm days. Your new motto: Breathe
more, worry less.”
As session was winding to a close, my mind
drifted to my house, drawing my breath inward, hoping she wouldn’t notice my transference. In
pushing against her pattern, I was speaking to the choir. If she knew where I woke up this morning, the
less than favorable conditions I was living in for the past many months, would
she dare seek out my advice? It is all
very relative, different setting, same worry-gap. I fell in love with our broken-down heap, but
had no idea the struggle I’d face. The
cold nights and dusty mess as Greg tore open it's frame. My inability to
truly rest. One day, the house will be
done and the streets safer, but I do not doubt I will fill my worry-gap with
something new. Choosing to push the anxiety
from overtaking me is the muscle I need exercised even after it has been fully restored. It has brought me face to face with what
matters, what I need to be whole and happy, especially the needless worry that
drains my inner peace.
Excerpt from my upcoming book, A House with Holes, still under construction.
Based on a true story in principle, I have tried to
recreate events, locales and conversations from my memories of them. In order
to maintain their anonymity and confidentiality, I have changed the names of
individuals and places, I may have changed some identifying characteristics and
details such as physical properties, occupations and places of
residence.
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